Ever since Sunday school class yesterday morning, I feel like I have been wrestling with God. At least the Sheila Walsh book I recently finished assured me that it is perfectly ok to work through hard things with God. I guess he appreciates the honestly, especially since He knows where my heart truly is anyway. God has become SO real to me. There have been times when I feel like he is close enough to touch. Then there are times when I am saying, "ok, where are you today?" If I examine my heart at those times, I am probably the one who is slipping away, not him. (ok, not probably, always.) So, if you see me limping, it is most likely because I have a wrestling injury, like Jacob in the Old Testament. (That was Jacob, right??)
In class yesterday, Larry hit me right between the eyes in our continued discussion on Ecclesiastes. The passage we covered had Solomen taking his eyes off God, and as a result, he became very cynical. A trial in his life led to "hating" his life. There are many events in ones life that can lead to a cynical life view. This is definitely something I wish to avoid. We moved to Daniel 3, and discussed the familiar story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. These men told the King that 'Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods..." These men were willing to die. They knew God could save them from death. And God's will would be done in their lives. However, that didn't mean that God would choose to spare their lives. Miraculously, God did spare their lives, and he was glorified by his very presence within that furnace.
So, I know that God is keeping me company in the furnace of my adversity. but I don't know what his planned outcome is. And that is what makes me wrestle. I know that I want to serve God, and put Him first, regardless of the cost, and regardless of the earthly benefits reaped. But it still doesn't stop me from wanting to beg God for one specific request to be fulfilled. Can I truly say that this means God takes first place, or do I just have to choose it daily. I believe that God is enough, but I still want to maintain hope in my top priority earthly relationship.
I believe that I may continue to wrestle for a while. I also think that God will honor my sincere desire to believe that He is enough for me. But I also want to continue in fervent prayer for restoration. Most importantly, I want to pray for his restoration with the Lord.
Please pray for me that daily, I will "think, act and do right." That my motives will be pure and come from a desire to glorify God, and not to achieve my own agenda. The bottom line, our time of earth is but a milisecond when compared to an eternity, with or without God. As Larry said in Sunday School, I need to live life with an "eternal perspective" to avoid cynacism.