I told my friend Charity that I was reading "Living Fearlessly" by Sheila Walsh. She said to me, which I take to be a complement, that she didn't think I was a fearful person. I agreed, but I still thought that there were many things I could get out of the book. The only problem is, that as I am reading it, I am finding things that maybe I should be afraid of! I am now into another chapter, and I am ready to give another quote. Sheila is writing about how her son, at 2 1/2 totally trusts her, and even if she put him in a scary situation, he still counted on her to help him. (Like a scary carnival ride). Sheila, who has many hurts from her childhood writes this "Christian (her son) feels no need at this point in his life to protect himself from me. I'm there for him. I'm his mommy...that's how I started off too. So why do we change? Adult choices can decimate children. The tragedies of life can pull the rug right out from under their safe trusting feet. Children don't understand death or divorce or parental absence or neglect. They think they must have contributed in some way to ruin this perfect picture of family. At a gut level, what they experience is that nothing is safe anymore. They can't count on anything being forever or being ultimately for their good."
OK, now I am a bit more afraid! I am not saying that I can't learn from this book, but it scares me to think about adult choices (which I can't always do anything about) decimating my children!
It gets worse, read this quote. "This emotional loss may be even harder than losing a parent to death. You have to live with the awareness that your dad or mom could have been with you and chose not to be. We all carry scars into the courts of heaven, and the yes we want to give to God carries a lot of reservations because of who we are and where we've been and what we believe at the very core of our lives. Can we really trust God's direction day by day when some of the paths we've already walked have been strewn with sorrows?"
Ok, I guess it is good that I am continuing to read, because I am going to assume that she is going to answer yes we can really trust God's direction, and tell me just how to go about doing that! I am trusting God that He is teaching and growing me in Him, and that this will ultimately prepare me for the tough job of parenting my girls through this, if this type of loss becomes long term or permanent. I am confident that God knows, God sees and God cares.